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UK News In Brief

Leeds residents in panic as two-headed, two-bodied pig born "They think it's some kind of omen", said Ben Potter who recently moved to the town, " and I keep telling 'em it's just two pigs but no-one is listening".
Family pet to become Chief Constible of Cheshire Due to an error by the police's HR system a two year old snake called Snake Plissken has been offered the top position. Owner Jonathan Allen said, "this is clearly a ridiculous mistake, I made sure his LinkedIn profile showed limited man management skills".
Immigrants accused of eating pumas in Leeds "I'll admit to being conflicted", said local patriot William, "on one hand how dare they come over here and do that but on the other I'm not sad to see less plague-ridden pumas around here".
Terror as Megan Markle goes on rampage in quiet town centre Residents of Sheffield were horrified as it was reported Megan was attacking the local Marks and Spencers. It was later confirmed that attacker was actually a bear, attracted by a white shirt.
Statue of Nigel Farage unveilled in Newcastle-Upon-Tyne The sixty foot monolith sees the Leader of Reform fighting a weasel, re-enacting St. Dave casting out the animals in the sixth century. Not everyone is happy though. Local Linda Roberts complained, "I live on the third floor so his bum is facing my window. Or maybe his face, difficult to tell".

Weather

Weather
A plague of locusts arriving from the west will result in thunderstorms followed by sunny spells across much of the England. Elsewhere should expect frogs falling from the sky.

Breaking News

Nigel Farage creates new position in shadow cabinet

Mr. Farage has just announce a new position in his self-proclaimed shadow cabinet. The Secretary For People Who Can't Think Too Good will be a key position for when Reform inevitably gets into power. "The important thing to remember," he said in a press conference earlier today, "is that the slow and the feeble-minded are our strongest supporters. This position will ensure nothing untoward happens to them, such as gaining an education, performing critical thinking or God forbid stop watching GB News."

9th of November in History

2025 US President Donald Trump renames sheep to 'American Freedom Land Eagles'

1866 Jules Verne's novel Journey to the Centre of Newcastle-Upon-Tyne receives poor reviews resulting in a lengthy rewrite.

1852 Scottish men are legally allowed to enter a public bath and to own a vibrator.

A Patriot First

Patriot Debra Lewis talks to us about balaclavas at a demonstration 11 years ago today a nurse was the first woman to wear a balaclava at a demonstration. That woman was Debra Lewis. The blockbuster film About a balaclava starred Tom Cruise commemorated this historic event. The movie has won seven Oscars and been a major global success. In her official autobiography she talks about this global first.

"My mother always used to say "you can wear a balaclava wherever you like but never ever wear a balaclava at a demonstration - people will think you're daft". At the very moment I wore it, it didn't feel special at all. But then I noticed the people around me, they were stopping to stare. Then they began to clap and cheer. Once I proved it was possible people of all walks started doing it. Well not everyone, my dear old mum hardly ever does. But of course they do limit what you can do in prison. I think the best way to show you're a patriot is to wear a mask like a criminal".