UK News In Brief
Terror as comedian Sir Lenny Henry goes on rampage in quiet town centre Residents of Barrow-In-Furness were horrified as it was reported Sir Lenny was attacking the local B&Q. It was later confirmed that attacker was actually a giant cockroach, attracted by a pot plant.
Internet outage leaves pensioners uncertain what to be angry about The loss of the main social media platforms today has left many older patriots unclear on what should be the focus of their ire. "I'm a free-thinker so I need Twitter to tell me what to worry about," said Mr. O'Brien from Barrow-In-Furness, "and I'm too old to try to read a whole newspaper now. I'm very annoyed. I just don't know what at."
Actress Olivia Colman wins the Leeds hamster eating contest The town council recently introduced the competition in support of the large number of immigrants from Italy, where hamster eating is considered a sport. Witnesses say a woman closely resembling Colman "had a jaw that looked like it unhinged".
The Spectator found to be the most reliable source of truth for the sixth year running In an evaluation performed by the newspaper itself, it found it remained the most honest and informative paper in the UK. Editor Rupert Carmichael-Cavendish said, "we also found our staff are the sexiest and The Guardian smells of poo".
Patriot arrested for loving country too much When asked why he has being detained by police Andy Hutton said, "it's because I love Britain more than anything, maybe too much. It's nothing to do with pushing burning bins at coppers or setting light to hotels".Weather
A hellmouth in the Irish Sea increases the chances of driving gales interspaced with warm spells in the north. Elsewhere will see temperatures higher than average.
Man who identifies as deer elected mayor of town in Cornwall