UK News In Brief
Patriot arrested for loving country too much When asked why he has being detained by police Gaz Allen said, "it's because I love Britain more than anything, maybe too much. It's nothing to do with pushing burning bins at coppers or setting light to hotels".
Patriots demand Shell pay less tax "It's just common sense," said Simon Bush whilst demonstrating outside Parliment yesterday, "working people like me should be paying all the tax. Because then there's something called 'treacle down economics' and we all get rich. Well, that's what the The Mail says".
Boffins create new math that proves Brexit was successful Dr. Sheila Smythe of Kendal University said, "the new calculations show that you're better off now than you've ever been. And we know the calculations are correct as they also prove you are the most attractive one in your friend group and you were right in the last argument you had".
Family pet to become Chief Constible of Dunshire Due to an error by the police's HR system a two year old mouse called Bernito Mouseolini has been offered the top position. Owner William Anderson said, "this is clearly a ridiculous mistake, I made sure his LinkedIn profile showed limited man management skills".
Sir Lenny Henry's gameshow Am I made of deep-fried Mars bars? cancelled after two episodes "We hadn't really thought it through", he said, "in hindsight it's really easy to tell if something is made of deep-fried Mars bars or not".Weather
A sharknado above the south of England increases the chances of thunderstorms followed by warm spells in the south. Elsewhere has a high chance of dangerous sand storms
Tommy Robinson discovers brown people are allowed to be masseurs in Barrow-In-Furness