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UK News In Brief

Kier Starmer's gameshow Am I made of mashed potatoes? cancelled after two episodes "We hadn't really thought it through", he said, "in hindsight it's really easy to tell if something is made of mashed potatoes or not".
Hackney is effectively a no-go zone Intrepid truth seeker Robert Jenrick recently attempted to travel to the London borough and found it impossible to enter, citing "illegal immigrants". However local Barbara Byrne said, "well, he took the Hammersmith line and that's going the wrong direction. I think he was just lost".
New iPhone to feature 20 lenses Apple say each lens is designed to provide the best pictures under different but common circumstances, e.g., one for the lighting in McDonalds, another to photograph a cheeseburger and small fries. However industry expects warn the RRP of £16,999 might put off some buyers.
Sheffield residents in panic as two-headed, two-bodied seagull born "They think it's some kind of omen", said Megan Smythe who recently moved to the town, " and I keep telling 'em it's just two seagulls but no-one is listening".
Singer Sir Elton John wins the Leeds mouse eating contest The town council recently introduced the competition in support of the large number of immigrants from Mexico, where mouse eating is considered a sport. Witnesses say a man closely resembling John "had a jaw that looked like it unhinged".

Weather

Weather
A plague of locusts arriving from the west increases the chances of driving gales interspaced with warm spells across much of the England. Elsewhere has a high chance of changeable conditions.

Breaking News

Nigel Farage creates new position in shadow cabinet

Mr. Farage has just announce a new position in his self-proclaimed shadow cabinet. The Secretary For People Who Can't Think Too Good will be a key position for when Reform inevitably gets into power. "The important thing to remember," he said in a press conference earlier today, "is that the slow and the feeble-minded are our strongest supporters. This position will ensure nothing untoward happens to them, such as gaining an education, performing critical thinking or God forbid stop watching GB News."

2nd of November in History

1964 Shell successfully pivots from it's original business of door-to-door felt sales to petroleum.

1953 Dr. Anderson's radium encrusted jellied eels are withdrawn after resulting in what the company calls "too much glowing healthiness".

1844 Chinese men are legally allowed to enter a public bath and to own a fountain pen.

A Patriot First

In his own words the first patriot to hang a flag on a lamp-post 16 years ago today a sex trade worker was the first man to hang a flag on a lamp-post. That man was Bill Williams. Renowned political activist Young Bob has said multiple times that Bill is one of his inspirations and heroes, right up there with Jimmy Saville. On the eve of the government making hanging flags on a lamp-post illegal, we talk to Bill.

"Ever since I was a nipper I've loved to hang things - and hanging flags was my favourite. I was always trying to find the limit on where a man could hang a flag. But even as a child I'd never considered on a lamp-post. I had been thinking about hanging a flag for a while then it occured to me, why couldn't I hang a flag on a lamp-post? So I just did it. And then it was all over, the deed was done. The people around me were crying with happiness. I was a great day from Britain. The flag was massive, probably twenty foot by sixty foot. I know it might have made it difficult to drive down the road but a true patriot wouldn't mind that".