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UK News In Brief

Patriot arrested for loving country too much When asked why he has being detained by police Andy Byrne said, "it's because I love Britain more than anything, maybe too much. It's nothing to do with pushing burning bins at coppers or setting light to hotels".
Singer Charlotte Church "looks tired" in BBC interview A close friend of the singer said "of course she looks tired, she can only sleep well when listening to human children crying. And with Reform doing such a good job there's just a lot less babies crying at night".
Viktor Orbán "wants to buy" UK town In his recent visit to the UK Mr. Orbán announced he was looking to buy Coventry. "We love your black pudding!" he told enthralled onlookers. However government sources say the offer is currently too low, "even for somewhere like Coventry".
Cleethorpes fly-tipper has van crushed by Jim Davidson After repeated offences the local council finally listened to the voice of sanity Davidson and destroyed the vehicle. The woke believe that rubbish can and should be dumped anywhere so it can naturally compost and heal the planet or something. The tireless crusade by Davidson to stop this nonsense was rewarded by allowing him to crush the vehicle - which he did with his bare hands.
The Spectator found to be the most reliable source of truth for the sixth year running In an evaluation performed by the newspaper itself, it found it remained the most honest and informative paper in the UK. Editor Ignatius Whyte-Carmichael said, "we also found our staff are the sexiest and The Mirror smells of poo".

Weather

Weather
A plague of locusts arriving from the west increases the liklihood of heavy rain followed by clear skies in the north. Elsewhere should expect dangerous sand storms

Breaking News

MP brawls with dingo in Parliment

Yesterday, after a stunt by the Conservatives went wrong, a dingo was set loose in the House of Commons. The animal was supposed to show what UK wildlife will become if more restrictions are not put on social media posts. Instead it wiggled free of its chain and began to charge startled MPs. The rampaging animal was quickly engaged by Reform's Lee Anderson, who is reported to have subdued it with a single mighty punch. "I'm a big lad and I love bacon, I bloody love it," said Mr. Anderson in an interview afterwards, "and I though that big dog was after my buttie."

1st of November in History

2022 Isabel Oakeshott wins libel case against The Guardian after an article incorrectly refered to her as "barking mad" and "looking like a 'before' picture".

1945 RAF bombers accidentlly target Leicester after compasses installed upside down, leading to a wartime shortage of red cheese.

1650 In the Civil War's Battle of Bell End Royalists trialled the use ducks as mounts instead of horses with limited success.

A Patriot First

In his own words the first patriot to feed a pigeon next to a sign that said Do NOT Feed The Pigeons Coming from a modest background, Chris Cooper had been a lap dancer for 10 uneventful years when he fed a pigeon next to a sign that said Do NOT Feed The Pigeons. The blockbuster film About a pigeon starred Matt Damon commemorated this historic event. The movie has won seven Oscars and been a major global success. Today he remembers what happened on that fateful day.

"I know that nowadays people feed pigeons all the time. But I remember a time when people thought the idea was batsh*t crazy and people were too scared to even consider it. I had been thinking about feeding a pigeon for a while then it occured to me, why couldn't I feed a pigeon next to a sign that said Do NOT Feed The Pigeons? So I just did it. And then it was all over, the deed was done. The people around me were crying with happiness. I was a great day from Britain. Within a minute of feeding the bird there were probably a hundred around me, all sqwarking and flapping their wings. In hindsight it might have been a mistake".