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UK News In Brief

Patriots demand Tesla UK pay less tax "It's just common sense," said Joy Lewis whilst demonstrating outside Parliment yesterday, "working people like me should be paying all the tax. Because then there's something called 'treacle down economics' and we all get rich. Well, that's what the The Sun says".
Anger as pub in Coventry found to be run by Egyptian mummies Locals had no idea the The Brown Cow was staffed by monsters. Customer Millie Allen said, "Kev the barman was a really nice bloke, no idea he was a mummy. Though I guess his fear of small scissors that could cut bandages should have been a clue".
London borough of Tower Hamlets under Shariah law "It's terrible", said Richard Tice following a visit, "there's hundreds of cars in the park and there's people everywhere - shouting, selling stuff. It's like a third world country". However local Chris Williams thinks Tice might have confused Shariah law with the weekly car boot sale.
Jamie Oliver "looks tired" in BBC interview A close friend of the chef said "of course he looks tired, he can only sleep well when listening to human children crying. And with Reform doing such a good job there's just a lot less babies crying at night".
New Zealand makes claim to the Atlantic In an unexpected move the government in Wellington has announced it expects to take ownership of the Atlantic "soon". The motive for this claim remains unclear although experts suspect it might relate to New Zealand's recent loss in the Open Golf Tournament.

Weather

Weather
A low pressure front above the south of England increases the liklihood of thunderstorms followed by sunny spells in the south. Elsewhere should expect temperatures higher than average.

Breaking News

Man who identifies as hamster elected mayor of town in Kent

The town of Riverside has just elected George Byrne as mayor. The problem? Mr. Byrne identifies as a hamster and only responds to the name 'Hammy'. "It gets worse," an anonymous source in the council tells us, " thousands of hamsters have been released into the town to 'redress a historic imbalance'. They are everywhere and we've had reports of people being attacked. The streets are covered in hamster poo. And they wrecked Boots so now no-one can get hold of a box of plasters. Even so, it's not as bad as when Reform won the election that time."

15th of November in History

1962 Twinings successfully pivots from it's original business of hats for rats to teas.

1881 The underground Victoria line opened, named after famous Victorian writer Debra Victoria.

1844 Welsh men are legally allowed to enter a railway station and to own a vibrator.

A Patriot First

Remembering Keith Byrne, the first man to shout an insult at an immigrant A man shouted an insult at an immigrant for the first time 19 years ago today. This hero was Keith Byrne. Birkenhead has a statue of Keith to commemorate this heroic activity. And there is an annual pilgrimage to it for the real patriots across Britain. In his official autobiography he talks about this global first.

"My mother always used to say "you can shout an insult wherever you like but never ever shout an insult at an immigrant - people will think you're daft". So I'm wearing my massage apron ready for work and I think "let's make the King proud". So that's when I go and shout an insult at an immigrant. No hesitation, I just did it. Once I proved it was possible people of all walks started doing it. Well not everyone, my dear old mum hardly ever does. But of course they do limit what you can do in prison. I was a bit drunk so was on the floor and I'm not sure the immigrant could understand what I said. He did smile, stop and put a tenner in the cup next to me though".