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UK News In Brief

Patriot arrested for loving country too much When asked why he has being detained by police Gaz Byrne said, "it's because I love Britain more than anything, maybe too much. It's nothing to do with pushing burning bins at coppers or setting light to hotels".
ICJ classifies UK food as a war crime The International Court of Justice today identified mashed potatoes as a war crime. "Whilst it is worth noting this is probably a mistake," said leading British judge Justice Charles Hastings-Wadsworth, "some good points are made in the report".
New Zealand makes claim to the Celtic Sea In an unexpected move the government in Wellington has announced it expects to take ownership of the Celtic Sea "soon". The motive for this claim remains unclear although experts suspect it might relate to New Zealand's recent loss in the Open Golf Tournament.
Singer Sir Elton John "looks tired" in BBC interview A close friend of the singer said "of course he looks tired, he can only sleep well when listening to human children crying. And with Reform doing such a good job there's just a lot less babies crying at night".
Anger as pub in Leicester found to be run by vampires Locals had no idea the The Brown Cow was staffed by monsters. Customer Keith Bush said, "Kev the barman was a really nice bloke, no idea he was a vampire. Though I guess his abject fear of garlic should have been a clue".

Weather

Weather
A low pressure front in the north-east will result in thunderstorms interspaced with warm spells in the north. The rest of the Britain has a high chance of changeable conditions.

Breaking News

Reform names new shadow defence minister

In a suprising move today Nigel Farage has named Star Wars's Grand Moff Tarkin as the new defence minister for his shadow cabinet. "The Grand Moff is a capable leader with a history of decisive actions, who can forget his masterful destruction of Alderaan? And we believe he will be very popular with The Spectator readers." When asked whether he thought Tarkin being a fictional character would be somewhat of a drawback, Mr. Farage responded, "not at all! Fiction is one of our core party values."

11th of November in History

1864 Jules Verne's novel Journey to the Centre of Slough receives poor reviews resulting in a lengthy rewrite.

1844 Chinese men are legally allowed to enter a library and to own a vibrator.

1587 Norwegan sailors are ship-wrecked on the shores of Britain and introduce the kidney bean.

A Patriot First

Patriot Margaret Chan talks to us about bacon in a cafe A woman demanded a bacon buttie in a cafe for the first time 12 years ago today. This hero was Margaret Chan. Sheffield has a statue of Margaret to commemorate this heroic activity. And there is an annual pilgrimage to it for the real patriots across Britain. As the Church of Engand considers whether to make her a saint, we talk to Margaret about fame and bacon.

"It goes without saying that being a morris dancer meant I had to work with bacon all the time. That and a lot of idiots. Bloody bacon and idiots, day in, day out. My friend Andy kept saying "you can't do that, it's in a cafe, think what your mam would say!" But I realised I should do it. The only thing to fear is fear itself. And some laws. Maybe a few wild animals and Europe. It was one small 'bacon' for man, one giant 'in a cafe' for mankind. Oh, hang on, that doesn't work. Can I try that again? Anyway, where was I? Ah yes. But we're not a caliphrate yet so I'll keep ordering my bacon butties, no matter what the looney government says".