UK News In Brief
Sir Lenny Henry wins the Coventry gerbil eating contest The town council recently introduced the competition in support of the large number of immigrants from United States of America, where gerbil eating is considered a sport. Witnesses say a man closely resembling Sir Lenny "had a jaw that looked like it unhinged".
Ireland makes claim to the English Channel In an unexpected move the government in Dublin has announced it expects to take ownership of the English Channel "soon". The motive for this claim remains unclear although experts suspect it might relate to Ireland's recent loss in the Grand Prix.
Internet outage leaves pensioners uncertain what to be angry about The loss of the main social media platforms today has left many older patriots unclear on what should be the focus of their ire. "I'm a free-thinker so I need Twitter to tell me what to worry about," said Mr. Morris from Leeds, "and I'm too old to try to read a whole newspaper now. I'm very annoyed. I just don't know what at."
Patriots demand Shell pay less tax "It's just common sense," said Margaret Lewis whilst demonstrating outside Parliment yesterday, "working people like me should be paying all the tax. Because then there's something called 'treacle down economics' and we all get rich. Well, that's what the The Sun says".
Anger as pub in Cleethorpes found to be run by demons Locals had no idea the The Corn Market was staffed by monsters. Customer Barbara Davies said, "Robbo the barman was a really nice bloke, no idea he was a demon. Though I guess his love of thrash metal should have been a clue".Weather
A plague of locusts forming over the Midlands will result in heavy rain followed by warm spells across much of the England. Everywhere else should expect frogs falling from the sky.
Lee Anderson launches bacon flavoured pound cake