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UK News In Brief

Lambeth is effectively a no-go zone Intrepid truth seeker Lee Anderson recently attempted to travel to the London borough and found it impossible to enter, citing "illegal immigrants". However local Tom Davies said, "well, he took the Metropolitan line and that's going the wrong direction. I think he was just lost".
Following confusion with the voting slips a sheep is elected mayor of Halifax "I am really angry," said angry patriot Linda Brown angrily, "I voted for the sheep as I naturally assumed it was standing for Reform. How can the EU still be causing these problems?"
Queues at Birmingham Airport security reach record highs The recent £2Bn upgrade to introduce new biometrics scanners does not seem to have lessened the average passenger waiting time. Security Manager Martin Roberts says "people just haven't taken to the colon scanner like we thought".
Coventry fly-tipper has van crushed by Isabel Oakeshott After repeated offences the local council finally listened to the voice of sanity Oakeshott and destroyed the vehicle. The woke believe that rubbish can and should be dumped anywhere so it can naturally compost and heal the planet or something. The tireless crusade by Oakeshott to stop this nonsense was rewarded by allowing her to crush the vehicle - which she did with her bare hands.
Colin Firth "looks tired" in BBC interview A close friend of the actor said "of course he looks tired, he can only sleep well when listening to human children crying. And with Reform doing such a good job there's just a lot less babies crying at night".

Weather

Weather
A solar storm over London increases the liklihood of driving gales alternating with clear skies in the south. The rest of the Britain should expect dangerous sand storms

Breaking News

Nigel Farage creates new position in shadow cabinet

Mr. Farage has just announce a new position in his self-proclaimed shadow cabinet. The Secretary For People Who Can't Think Too Good will be a key position for when Reform finally gets into power.

"The important thing to remember," he said in a press conference today, "is that the feeble-minded are our strongest supporters. This position will ensure nothing untoward happens to them, such as gaining an education or the ability to perform critical thinking."

29th of October in History

2016 BBC cancels evening news read by sock puppets following complaints to OFCOM.

1939 RAF bombers accidentlly target Sheffield after compasses installed upside down, leading to a wartime shortage of cutlery.

1878 Victorian scientists create the world's first steam-powered vibrator.

A Patriot First

In his own words the first patriot to send a text whilst driving Coming from a modest background, Bill Morris had been a masseur for 10 uneventful years when he sent a text whilst driving. Historians today agree that this was a pivotal moment for the modern world. Without Bill modern-day life would be almost unrecognisable. In his official autobiography he talks about this global first.

"The idea originally came to me in a dream a few weeks before. Olly Murs and I built a train entirely out of ginger and travelled to Scotland. During the trip I talked about texts. My friend Big Bob kept saying "you can't do that, it's a text - there're laws against that kind of thing!" but I realised I could do it. The only thing to fear is fear itself. And some laws. Maybe a few wild animals and Europe. After I sent it and I told my family they didn't believe it had happened. Not one bit. I'm sure they still think I made it up. The text itself was a simple 'guess what I'm doing' to a mate. I'm an Englishwoman and no-one should be able to tell me what I can do in my own car".