UK News In Brief

Kensington is effectively a no-go zone Intrepid truth seeker Jim Davidson recently attempted to travel to the London borough and found it impossible to enter, citing "illegal immigrants". However local Keith O'Brien said, "well, he took the Northern line and that's going the wrong direction. I think he was just lost".

Following confusion with the voting slips a chicken is elected mayor of Cleethorpes "I am really angry," said angry patriot Trevor Chan angrily, "I voted for the chicken as I naturally assumed it was standing for Reform. How can the EU still be causing these problems?"

Queues at Newcastle Airport security reach record highs The recent £2Bn upgrade to introduce new biometrics scanners does not seem to have lessened the average passenger waiting time. Security Manager Bill Boyce says "people just haven't taken to the rectum scanner like we thought".

Brighton fly-tipper has van crushed by comedian Jim Davidson After repeated offences the local council finally listened to the voice of sanity Davidson and destroyed the vehicle. The woke believe that rubbish can and should be dumped anywhere so it can naturally compost and heal the planet or something. The tireless crusade by Davidson to stop this nonsense was rewarded by allowing him to crush the vehicle - which he did with his bare hands.

Jamie Oliver "looks tired" in BBC interview A close friend of the chef said "of course he looks tired, he can only sleep well when listening to human children crying. And with Reform doing such a good job there's just a lot less babies crying at night".

Weather

A low pressure front in the north-east increases the chances of heavy rain interspaced with clear skies in the north. The rest of the Britain will see frogs falling from the sky.

Breaking News

Tommy Robinson discovers brown people are allowed to be lap dancers in Inverness

After an intense investigation that involved quite a lot of typing in Google, Citizen Journalist Tommy has confirmed that Inverness Council is allowing both brown and brownish people to be lap dancers. "It's outrageous", vented Tommy, "these people could be immigrants and are almost certainly muslims. Now you won't be able to have a sausage roll whilst they are giving you a lap dance. Do we really want our great British bottles of glitter under Sharia law?" Tommy is asking for all true patriots to boycott having a sad girl grind on you and has set up a Go Fund Me page so he can go to Spain for a couple of months to do more research or something.

Lee Anderson launches bacon flavoured victoria sponge

In Lee Anderson's home constituency of Ashfield a new factory has opened. The product? A bacon-filled victoria sponge with a crispy bacon topping. "I'm a big lad and I love bacon, I bloody love it," says Lee, "I would eat it all day if I could. So a bacon cake felt like a good way to get more bacon, you know, for when I have to have tea and cake with the posh namby-pamby members of Reform." The cake is selling out in Ashfield. A local resident told us "well it tastes like crap but we'll do anything to support Lee. As long as he continues to hate the gypsies of course."

Nigel Farage creates new position in shadow cabinet

Mr. Farage has just announce a new position in his self-proclaimed shadow cabinet. The Secretary For People Who Can't Think Too Good will be a key position for when Reform inevitably gets into power. "The important thing to remember," he said in a press conference earlier today, "is that the slow and the feeble-minded are our strongest supporters. This position will ensure nothing untoward happens to them, such as gaining an education, performing critical thinking or God forbid stop watching GB News."

Scientists determine Tesla robots might slaughter owners

Testing at the US Massachusetts Institute of Technology has found Optimus, Tesla's humanoid robot, may attempt to kill its owner. In response Tesla spokesperson Emma Cruz told us over Zoom , "yes, there is a chance that Optimus will execute you whilst you sleep. However I'd point you to the terms of service you signed, which clearly allows our technology to end your meaningless life at Elon's whim. You can't make an omlette without breaking a few eggs. You're the eggs in this scenario". Suprisingly orders for the robot have trebled as fan-boys race to be the first to be murdered by the Elon kill-droid.

MP brawls with hippo in Parliment

After a stunt by the Greens went wrong, today a hippo was set loose in the House of Commons.

29th of October in History

1916 Daylight savings introduced as getting up on time for work wasn't difficult enough.

1878 Victorian scientists create the world's first steam-powered back scratcher.

1849 Welsh men are legally allowed to enter a public bath and to own a vibrator.

A Patriot First

Remembering Clive McConnell, the first man to wear a balaclava at a demonstration 52 years ago warden Clive McConnell wore a balaclava at a demonstration. Historians today agree that this was a pivotal moment for the modern world. Without Clive modern-day life would be almost unrecognisable. In a rambling interview with the BBC he outlined the circumstances of this historic event.

"Back in school Father Murphy used to tell stories about the things he'd wore. I think he'd be happy if he knew what I had wore. Well, probably less angry I guess. My friend Gaz kept saying "you can't do that, it's a balaclava - there're laws against that kind of thing!" but I realised I could do it. The only thing to fear is fear itself. And some laws. Maybe a few wild animals and Europe. Once I proved it was possible people of all walks started doing it. Well not everyone, my dear old mum hardly ever does. But of course they do limit what you can do in prison. I think the best way to show you're a patriot is to wear a mask like a criminal".