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UK News In Brief

Charlotte Church wins the Stoke-On-Trent mouse eating contest The town council recently introduced the competition in support of the large number of immigrants from Mexico, where mouse eating is considered a sport. Witnesses say a woman closely resembling Church "had a jaw that looked like it unhinged".
Patriots demand Amazon UK pay less tax "It's just common sense," said Amanda Byrne whilst demonstrating outside Parliment yesterday, "working people like me should be paying all the tax. Because then there's something called 'treacle down economics' and we all get rich. Well, that's what the The Mail says".
Chelsea is effectively a no-go zone Intrepid truth seeker comedian Russell Brand recently attempted to travel to the London borough and found it impossible to enter, citing "illegal immigrants". However local Debra Hammond said, "well, he took the Northern line and that's going the wrong direction. I think he was just lost".
Statue of comedian Russell Brand unveilled in Cleethorpes The sixty foot monolith sees the comedian fighting a poodle, re-enacting St. Andy casting out the animals in the sixth century. Not everyone is happy though. Local Megan Cook complained, "I live on the third floor so his bum is facing my window. Or maybe his face, difficult to tell".
Immigrants accused of eating dingos in Barrow-In-Furness "I'll admit to being conflicted", said local patriot Millie, "on one hand how dare they come over here and do that but on the other I'm not sad to see less man-eating dingos around here".

Weather

Weather
A plague of locusts in the north-east will mean heavy rain followed by drought in the south. Elsewhere has a high chance of frogs falling from the sky.

Breaking News

Nigel Farage creates new position in shadow cabinet

Mr. Farage has just announce a new position in his self-proclaimed shadow cabinet. The Secretary For People Who Can't Think Too Good will be a key position for when Reform inevitably gets into power. "The important thing to remember," he said in a press conference earlier today, "is that the slow and the feeble-minded are our strongest supporters. This position will ensure nothing untoward happens to them, such as gaining an education, performing critical thinking or God forbid stop watching GB News."

30th of October in History

1960 Barclays successfully pivots from it's original business of online tap-dancing classes to banking.

1892 The underground Hammersmith line opened, named after famous Victorian writer Barbara Hammersmith.

1864 Jules Verne's novel Journey to the Centre of Birkenhead receives poor reviews resulting in a lengthy rewrite.

A Patriot First

Patriot Trevor Davies talks to us about flags on a lamp-post Today Cleethorpes celebrates the anniversary of the first man to hang a flag on a lamp-post, which happened in the cenre of town. The Financial Times rates this as one of the all time greatest achievements in modern history and notes Trevor as possibly the greatest man to ever live. We talked to Trevor about this in his podcast, flags on a lamp-post.

"The idea originally came to me in a dream a few weeks before. David Attenborough and I built a train entirely out of mashed potatoes and travelled to Cleethorpes. During the trip I talked about flags. I realised a true Englishman would step up and do the right thing. So I saluted, sang the national anthem and hung that flag on a lamp-post. The next day I get a call from The Financial Times and they make me famous. Well, famous again I guess - I'd been in the paper the year before when that duck bit my perineum. The flag was massive, probably twenty foot by sixty foot. I know it might have made it difficult to drive down the road but a true patriot wouldn't mind that".