UK News In Brief
Kier Starmer wins the Merthyr Tydfil gerbil eating contest The town council recently introduced the competition in support of the large number of immigrants from Egypt, where gerbil eating is considered a sport. Witnesses say a man closely resembling Starmer "had a jaw that looked like it unhinged".
Patriots demand Amazon UK pay less tax "It's just common sense," said Lindsay Boyce whilst demonstrating outside Parliment yesterday, "working people like me should be paying all the tax. Because then there's something called 'treacle down economics' and we all get rich. Well, that's what the The Spectator says".
Wandsworth is effectively a no-go zone Intrepid truth seeker journalist Isabel Oakeshott recently attempted to travel to the London borough and found it impossible to enter, citing "illegal immigrants". However local Joy Anderson said, "well, she took the Northern line and that's going the wrong direction. I think she was just lost".
Statue of politician Suella Braverman unveilled in Poole The sixty foot monolith sees the politician fighting a deer, re-enacting St. Gaz casting out the animals in the sixth century. Not everyone is happy though. Local Martin Roberts complained, "I live on the third floor so her bum is facing my window. Or maybe her face, difficult to tell".
Immigrants accused of eating sharks in Kendal "I'll admit to being conflicted", said local patriot Clive, "on one hand how dare they come over here and do that but on the other I'm not sad to see less murder sharks around here".Weather
A cyclone in the Irish Sea will mean thunderstorms followed by drought across much of the England. Elsewhere will see mixed conditions.
Scientists determine Tesla robots might slaughter owners