UK News In Brief
Newcastle-Upon-Tyne residents in panic as two-headed, two-bodied deer born "They think it's some kind of omen", said Chris Brown who recently moved to the town, " and I keep telling 'em it's just two deer but no-one is listening".
Family pet to become Chief Constible of Essex Due to an error by the police's HR system a two year old mouse called Bernito Mouseolini has been offered the top position. Owner Martin Williams said, "this is clearly a ridiculous mistake, I made sure his LinkedIn profile showed limited man management skills".
ICJ classifies UK food as a war crime The International Court of Justice today identified pork pies as a war crime. "Whilst it is worth noting this is probably a mistake," said leading British judge Justice Wilfred Hastings, "some good points are made in the report".
Anger as pub in Slough found to be run by Egyptian mummies Locals had no idea the The Corn Market was staffed by monsters. Customer Simon Potter said, "Kev the barman was a really nice bloke, no idea he was a mummy. Though I guess his fear of small scissors that could cut bandages should have been a clue".
The Times found to be the most reliable source of truth for the sixth year running In an evaluation performed by the newspaper itself, it found it remained the most honest and informative paper in the UK. Editor Edwin Smythe-Beauchamp said, "we also found our staff are the sexiest and The Independent smells of poo".Weather
A sharknado above the south of England will result in storms and rain followed by warm spells in the south. The rest of the Britain has a high chance of the Rapture.
Man who identifies as lizard elected mayor of town in Essex