UK News In Brief
Terror as Dua Lipa goes on rampage in quiet town centre Residents of Newcastle-Upon-Tyne were horrified as it was reported Lipa was attacking the local B&Q. It was later confirmed that attacker was actually a hyena, attracted by a pot plant.
Stoke-On-Trent residents in panic as two-headed, two-bodied pig born "They think it's some kind of omen", said Martin Hutton who recently moved to the town, " and I keep telling 'em it's just two pigs but no-one is listening".
London borough of Wandsworth under Shariah law "It's terrible", said Isabel Oakeshott following a visit, "there's hundreds of cars in the park and there's people everywhere - shouting, selling stuff. It's like a third world country". However local Martin O'Brien thinks Oakeshott might have confused Shariah law with the weekly car boot sale.
Patriots demand BP pay less tax "It's just common sense," said Barbara Roberts whilst demonstrating outside Parliment yesterday, "working people like me should be paying all the tax. Because then there's something called 'treacle down economics' and we all get rich. Well, that's what the The Financial Times says".
ICJ classifies UK food as a war crime The International Court of Justice today identified oatcakes as a war crime. "Whilst it is worth noting this is probably a mistake," said leading British judge Justice Cuthbert Montague, "some good points are made in the report".Weather
A hellmouth in the north-east increases the liklihood of storms and rain followed by warm spells in the north. The rest of the Britain has a high chance of temperatures higher than average.
Tommy Robinson discovers brown people are allowed to be decorators in Kendal