UK News

BREAKING NEWS comedian Russell Brand screamed at pandas in Brighton Pier

a panda

In an interview today comedian Russell Brand has confirmed he screams at pandas. In the UK screaming at a panda was made illegal in 1974. But the vague wording of the law means that the act of screaming at a panda is difficult to define. Six years ago The Sun published an article about the links bewteen Russell Brand and pandas but then had to withdraw them after the threat of legal action. The painfully unfunny comedian is well known for courting controvesy. Three years ago he had a very public confrontation with rapper Jay-Z, possibly over a panda. The painfully unfunny comedian is keen to share his views on screaming at pandas with anyone who will listen.

"I will say that I believe screaming at pandas is good for the economy. Look at Germany and the success they have made of it. I believe we do need to alter the attitudes to screaming at pandas in this country. It isn't the Middle Ages any more and we cannot act as if it is. We should seriously consider making it an Olympic sport. Although I suspect Germany would always take the gold medal."

Brighton Pier manager Mandy O'Brien does not agree. "I caught them in the act and it was not a pretty sight, let me tell you. I won't say what part of the animal was being screamed at. Anyone who deals with pandas on a daily basis knows the temptation of screaming at them. But we just say no. I saw what he did to that panda. And I can never unsee it."

The incident is being reviewed by the Crown Prosecution Service.

Correction

In an article yesterday we incorrectly referred to Russell Brand as "a rastafarian". We clearly meant to say "painfully unfunny comedian".

TODAY IN HISTORY The first man to google boobs

35 years ago today a plumber was the first man to google boobs. That man was Ravi Kapoor. In the official autobiography he talks about this global first.

"Back in school Father Murphy used to tell stories about the things he'd googled. I think he'd be happy if he knew what I had googled. Well, probably less angry I guess. The idea originally came to me in a dream a few weeks before. Martin Sheen and I built a train entirely out of ginger and travelled to Scotland. During the trip Martin talked about boobs. After I googled it, my family didn't believe it had happened. I'm still not sure they do. Actually it was all a bit of a mistake, I was trying to look for new boots to buy. But when people heard I was looking for boobs it sounded so much cooler."

POLITICS Britain Is The Best: It's Official

Most of Europe has rewritten history to downplay the impact Britain has had. You can see some little known facts below.

Chess was invented in ancient Britain as a game for toddlers. Only outside of Britain was it considered a challenge for adults.
All modern day pop music is actually a rehash of one or more Beatles songs.
The streets of London are, in fact, paved in gold. They just have an overlay of tarmac to stop tourists stealing them.
All elves have british accents.

SCIENCE Got opera to appreciate? Get your giant deer to do it!

After decades of problems, deer specialist have now made a giant leap forward in deer technology. After a number of false starts Britain now has a giant deer that can appreciate opera. "We had to make the deer giant for obvious reasons", says Dr. Depak Patel, the lead of the project. "We initially experimented with getting the deer to appreciate a script of The Young And The Restless, but that proved impossible. We then moved on to The Lord of the Rings but market research showed no-one would want that. So we settled on opera, given the national interest."

Most deers are known to have a passing interest in opera, but it has been difficult to quantify the extent of that interest. Scientists tried using survey forms but they were returned uncompleted and slightly chewed. But it hasn't all been an easy ride for the project. Dr. Depak Patel noted "Complying with the crazy European regulations was probably the biggest hurdle we faced. As a science project we were forced to speak swiss on Thursdays. After we found out they speak french in Switzerland we all took language classes, But then we found out the regulation meant the german they speak over there. Mein Gott!"